The long, long summer is at last behind us, and you know what that means ... "Back to school!" "NFL Football!" "Season Four of House!" Well, those would all be correct, but it also means that the ratio of style to substance in movies released will be evening out somewhat, guaranteed blockbusters will be more spread out, and the industry will hunker down and prepare to ride out the post-summer swoon while we barrel toward the holiday season. This week, I will be previewing the slate of Sept. 21, which features a post-apocalyptic actioner, a sexy rom-com, a buzz-worthy Western/historical epic, a true-to-life survivalist adventure and a dorky modern-day fairy tale. Sounds like fun!

I'll start off with the eighth and, thankfully, FINAL threequel of the year, Resident Evil: Extinction. I'm sure most of you know the particulars: the world has been overrun by the undead after a virus, unleashed by the all-powerful Umbrella Corporation, turns any who come into contact with it into zombies. This is the third stage in this series of video-game adaptations, and I have to wonder at this point whether lead "actress" Milla Jovovich has either the talent or the inclination to play any other kind of role, ever.

Yes, she had roles in such fare as He Got Game, The Messenger and Chaplin, but does anyone really remember her for anything other than her sultry, butt-kicking vixens in films like The Fifth Element, Ultraviolet and Aeon Flux? (Oh, that wasn't Milla in Aeon Flux? Well, it might as well have been ... ) She's in her early 30s now, and I would imagine that she has only a few scant years left before she's going to seriously regret being typecast this way. But I digress ...

Coming on the heels of 2002's Resident Evil (which grossed $40.2 million) and 2004's Resident Evil: Apocalypse (which garnered a further $50.7 million), both of which were directed by Milla's significant other, Paul W.S. Anderson, this outing is being helmed by Russell Mulcahy, whose resume includes such (ahem) biggies as The Shadow, Blue Ice and Ricochet. In other words: Don't get your hopes up. This time around, Milla is being joined by Oded Fehr (The Mummy,) as well as Ali Larter, who you may know from Final Destination but who has recently become a household name for her role in the smash television show Heroes. The trailer has a very Mad Max-ish feel to it, with the film taking place as it does in the desert that was once called Las Vegas.

Even considering all the negatives, this film will probably still finish no worse than No. 2 in its opening weekend. It might snag PTA points, but I wouldn't bank on it. It will cost you $21 in Ultimate Movie Moguls and $15 in Box Office Moguls, which puts it on the same level as Michael Clayton or Elizabeth: The Golden Age, both of which look like better films. Consider also that you'll have potential monster The Heartbreak Kid looming just two weeks down the line ... Well, I'll leave it to your better judgment.

It's been a pretty good year for Dane Cook. Coming off last year's Employee of the Month (which bombed, but not because of him), and continuing earlier this year with an exceptional turn in Mr. Brooks, the former stand-up comedian is now THIS close to become an A-list comedic actor. He's doing very well for himself, with roles in upcoming Steve Carell projects Dan In Real Life and Horton Hears a Who, and he's coming out now in a role that many of us can only dream of: playing a romantic lead opposite mega-babe Jessica Alba in Good Luck Chuck.

This movie marks the directorial debut of veteran film editor Mark Helfrich, and the premise, I gotta tell you, is actually quite ingenious: Charlie Logan (Cook) is a nice guy who just can't seem to find the right girl, and the reason for it? Every woman he becomes intimate with seems to find her one true love in the very next man she meets. Once word gets around, Chuck becomes the most popular guy in town, drawing a huge crowd of women who want to use him as a springboard to happiness. At first, Chuck doesn't buy into this "curse," but when he meets marine-life theme-park worker Cam (Alba), he must find a way to win her heart without losing her forever. The hysterical Dan Fogler (Balls of Fury) co-stars as Charlie's best friend Stu.

It almost goes without saying that (way more than her acting ability) Ms. Alba's greatest trait is to draw huge throngs of men to watch her films, and this is no exception. Undoubtedly one of the "hottest" actresses working today, any film that involves the prospect of her appearing in sexy clothing or romantic situations is bound to do well. Fantasy Moguls's Projections for this film are very pessimistic: no PTA points, only one Top 5 point, 5.0 in User Ratings and a mere $14.5 million in box office, which explains the bargain-basement price tag of $3 (in Ultimate leagues) and $5 (in Box Office).

There are bargains, folks, and then there are bargains. I think this film could finish as high as No. 2 on its opening weekend (depending on theater count) and, if it's as funny as its trailer, ratings could go as high as the mid-7s. I think it could eclipse $40 million without breaking a sweat. Disney's The Game Plan (one week later) and Ben Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid (two weeks later) may steal some of its comedic thunder, but, in my humble opinion, you will not find a much better low-dollar pick for your slate than this.

Whereas 3:10 to Yuma is a largely action-fueled Western, this week's The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is much, much more of a character study. It's being brought to us by New Zealand's own Andrew Dominik, whose only other directorial project prior to this one was 2000's Chopper, which (I have on good authority) contained far and away Eric Bana's best acting performance to date. His goals for this particular film (which is based on Ron Hansen's bestseller), however, are much more lofty, and rightly so.

Since this is one of the most highly-anticipated films of the year, I feel more comfortable talking about its assets by reading a review by someone who's actually seen it, and the best review I've read so far comes from Filmjerk's Edward Havens, who saw an early version of the film this past June: "Even though Brad Pitt's name is the one above the title, and he does turn in the best performance of his career since 12 Monkeys, the film truly belongs to Casey Affleck (who plays Robert Ford), who owns the screen by the time the film is over. His performance is so exceptional, many will start to think of Ben second when they think of an acting Affleck.

"Assassination doesn't so much try to reinvent the Western, so much as bring it back to the same kind of timelessness which have made the classics of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood favorites for generations. I suspect it will be the best film the genre has seen since the days of Leone and Peckinpah. Yes, Assassination is better than Unforgiven. Better than Dances With Wolves. Better than Silverado or Wyatt Earp or any other Western in the past thirty years." He also praises the work of renowned cinematographer Roger Deakins. He ends his critique with: "The Western is back. Don't blow it again, Hollywood." I don't think I can improve on that, save to say this film also sports a magnificent supporting cast, which includes Mary-Louise Parker, Sam Rockwell and brief appearances by Sam Shepard and Zooey Deschanel. And did I mention that Ridley Scott is a co-producer?

Unsurprisingly, I'm betting it will get almost unanimously stellar reviews, which will surely translate to great User Ratings (much, much better than the piddling 5.9 Fantasy Moguls has predicted). I doubt, however, that this film will be shown in more than 2,500 theaters at any given time, and its length of 140 minutes will most likely prohibit a multitude of screenings. Two PTA points, four Top 5 points and $49 million in total receipts are not out of the realm of possibility, but ... (pregnant pause) It's almost become a truism, and in a perfect world this wouldn't be the case, BUT: the best movies are not ALWAYS the best picks. Depending on where your roster needs muscle, you may want to opt for similarly-priced October releases like 30 Days of Night, Rendition, or Michael Clayton.

The last two times Sean Penn stepped into director's shoes, he had the luxury of directing Jack Nicholson, which is almost always a sure sign that you're going to get a quality performance. Those two films (The Pledge and The Crossing Guard) are not especially well-remembered, but Penn may be taking a giant step forward by helming Into the Wild, which features rising star Emile Hirsch (Lords of Dogtown) as Christopher McCandless, a top student who, upon graduating from college, takes his life's savings and abandons everything he knows in order to forge a new existence in the Alaskan wilderness.

Based on the bestseller by Jon Krakauer, this film has drawn some not-so-subtle comparisons to Werner Herzog's Grizzly Man, even though the main characters in the two stories are worlds apart. The reasons that McCandless pushed himself to adopt such an unorthodox lifestyle are, it would seem, treated with great empathy and precision by Hirsch and Penn, to the extent that the viewer is probably expected to understands not only the what, but the why as well. This project will probably bring a boatload of praise for director Penn, who reportedly gets a great performance out of Hirsch, as well as stellar work from a terrific supporting cast that includes William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden, Jena Malone, Kristen Stewart, Catherine Keener and even Vince Vaughn.

It seems I go to this well a lot, but I have to encourage anyone with an inkling to choose this title for their roster to keep an eye on theater counts. It will need a high number of screens and a whole mess of positive buzz to even come close to the $23 million (and thereby the two Top 5 points) Fantasy Moguls has predicted. Needless to say, listening to Filmjerk's Moriarty and my good buddy Nicodemus, I feel perfectly justified in recommending this film to those who are looking for a truly emotional cinematic experience.

Finally, we come to Sydney White, a film that I did not even know existed a couple of weeks ago, as it appeared out of nowhere like a Soviet MiG on Fantasy Moguls's radar screen. This modern-day takeoff of the Snow White fairy tale follows the titular Sydney (Amanda Bynes), who pledges her deceased mother's sorority, only to become disheartened at the prospect of entering into a social hierarchy that does not suit her personality. She then hooks up with seven geeky outcasts, with whom she plots to shake up the status quo.

Let's just hope, for Amanda's sake, that this film is closer in quality to Mean Girls than to the just-gone-and-hopefully-already-forgotten nightmare that was BRATZ. She's not a kid anymore, and if she hopes to graduate to films that play to a demographic that's above the legal drinking age, she's going to need to do better than this or last year's awful She's The Man. (Amanda, if you're reading this, I'm only saying it because I care. I think you have real talent, and I can't wait for you to start showcasing it. Hairspray was a very good start.)

That being said, as bargains go, you could do a lot worse. It's priced at the league minimum of $2 in Ultimate leagues and $5 in Box Office, and if it gets a wide enough distribution, it could actually make a splash. I doubt that User Ratings will climb much higher than 6.5 (and that's optimistic), but I doubt you'd be picking this title for its aesthetic value anyway.

Props Department: Kudos to Tonberry3001, who eked out a victory in my five-month-long "Rising Temperatures" league, which also happened to be my final "draft" league. Congratulations also to numbersix_99 (yes, again), who edged out AndTheWinnerIs (yes, again!) in the just-completed Regulars Ultimate league "The Crime Lab". I was able to snag 3rd place, my best finish to date, which gives me hope. Well-wishes also go to A_Roode, who squeaked by Fantasy Moguls's own Chienfantome in the "Shryke's Peers" Box Office league. Me? Dead last, again. Damn, picking Evan Almighty stung like a bizzle ... And finally, props to anyone who picked up Deep Water on my say-so. I said it might be the steal of the season, and I was right. (Hey, it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Anyone who chose this gem, please e-mail me and we'll drink a virtual toast to our own inflated cleverness. (Grin.)

Well, that about does it for this week. Please come back next Wednesday, when I will be turning my watchful eye on three more movies slated for release on the final weekend of September: Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner in gritty war drama The Kingdom; Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson going Disney in family football comedy The Game Plan; and Morgan Freeman setting the table for a Feast of Love. I'll also be including a summary (of sorts), recapping the up and downs, the successes, the failures, and the surprises of the just-completed summer season.

TTFN!

Shrykespeare went out with a lovely young woman once who then met her future husband on her very next date. He's just sayin'. Ladies, get in touch at shrykespeare@gmail.com.