So what is it that makes a movie "bad?" Well, that's largely a matter of opinion. For some, it's bad acting; for others, it's bad writing; for still others, it might be bad cinematography, a sub-par score, a far-fetched plot, too much profanity or violence, etc. Or maybe, if you are more of a fact-based person than an opinion-based person, a movie is "bad" simply if it fails to reach its potential. Not that this means anything, of course ... we all have movies that we love, no matter how "bad" they are. No matter how much our friends may tell us a particular movie sucks, we watch and re-watch it with a laconic smile glued to our face, wistfully thinking, "They don't know what they're missing." (Uh, yeah, they do. But it's okay.)

I, personally, have seen no fewer than 85 movies that were released this calendar year (either in theaters or on DVD), and I have about 20 more that I have made plans to see eventually. Many of you may disagree with what is, after all, just my opinion, and you have that right. I think, however, that I'm treading on solid ground with most of what's to come. So let's get started!

I've divided my list into four categories: films that failed despite massive hype, and rightfully so; films that bombed, but didn't completely deserve it; films that actually succeeded against all the laws of reason or good taste; and films that got pretty much what they deserved ... in other words, the worst of the worst. (Some films may tenuously fit into more than one category, but I'll do my best to differentiate.)

Category No. 1: Wasn't This Supposed to be Good?

5. Spider-Man 3 — Yeah, I know, it made monster bucks and will end up being the top-grossing film of 2007 ... a distinction that it so doesn't deserve. Coming on the heels of Spider-Man 2, which might have been one of the best superhero films of all time, SM3 was little more than an overwrought, insipid soap opera that had me yawning repeatedly between fight scenes. Sandman and Venom were fairly well realized, but they both took a backseat to MJ's artistic career and Harry's dastardly revenge plot and continuing daddy issues. Big whoop.

4. The Heartbreak Kid — Ben Stiller's follow-up to Night at the Museum was one of the most expensive properties on fall Fantasy Moguls rosters, but this story of a staunch bachelor who marries a frat slob in a beauty queen's body failed to resonate with, well, just about everybody, petering out well below the $40 million mark. Can't win 'em all there, Benny.

3. Hannibal Rising — I actually cheered earlier this year when this film fell into my lap with the fifth pick in a February Fantasy Moguls draft. The backstory of Hannibal Lecter, one of the most charismatic and memorable movie villains of all time, was supposed to at least measure up in both scope and plot to Hannibal and Red Dragon. It wasn't even close.

2. Grindhouse — Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's bastard love child promised us a modern-day throwback to the drive-in slash-'em-ups of yesteryear, when we could get our nostalgic AND gore-loving rocks off simultaneously. What we got instead was a lesson: Sometimes the past needs to stay in the past.

1. Beowulf — Robert Zemeckis's motion capture rendition of the centuries-old Viking tale was hyped beyond all recognition; ads, posters and trailers all flooded the airwaves, the Internet and our nation's movie houses. Featuring sword fights, a mythic monster, a vengeful dragon and Angelina Jolie's gross anatomy, this was supposed to be a surefire, slam-bang holiday hit. What it turned out to be instead is a ponderous, unengaging, phenomenally bland snoozefest. The visuals were just fine, yes, but that's like putting whipped cream on a rice cake. And did we need to see Anthony Hopkins' naked, doddering ass so many times?!

(Dis)honorable Mention: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters, In the Land of Women, The Condemned, Lucky You, 28 Weeks Later, Shrek the Third, Gracie, Surf's Up, Nancy Drew, Evening, License to Wed, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Hot Rod, WAR, The Nanny Diaries, Resurrecting the Champ, Balls of Fury, The Brave One, Dragon Wars, We Own the Night, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Rendition, Things We Lost in the Fire, Reservation Road, Martian Child, Lions For Lambs, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Category No. 2: Am I the ONLY person out there who thought this wasn't so bad?

5. Shoot 'Em Up — Kooky, cornball, completely over-the-top-and-out-through-the-back ridiculous, this film starred two of the hotter stars working today (Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti) and one knockout babe (Monica Bellucci) for an 85-minute thrill ride. So why did it fail so miserably? Piss-poor marketing? The sheer affrontery to the laws of logic and physics? Or could no one simply get past the godawful title?

4. The Kingdom — This was SO not the year for the modern-day war drama, was it? Apart from (or possibly including) the horror genre, this may have been the most conspicuously avoided category of the year. And it's a shame, because this Peter Berg/Michael Mann venture was truly worth the price of admission. Great acting and spectacular actions sequences just weren't enough, I guess.

3. Stardust — This film failed, quite simply, because it tried to cover too many bases: swashbuckling action film, romantic comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, kid's adventure. The end result was a product that was kind of all over the place plot-wise, but still an enjoyable piece of cinema.

2. The Golden Compass — Oh, my Lord, did New Line lay an egg on this one. Marketed as the next Narnia-type series, this film fell out of the sky faster than the Hindenburg, putting Nicole Kidman right at the top of formerly huge stars to not call if you want your film to find success. Which is a shame, because I actually liked this movie, and Nicole did an admirable job as the film's villainess ... It would seem, alas, that she's become the Golden Scapegoat.

1. Evan Almighty — Reportedly costing a whopping $200 to make, this sequel to the ultra-popular Bruce Almighty was supposed to vault Steve Carell into Stiller/Ferrell territory as the most marketable comedians working today. Not only did it not even make half of what its precursor made, but it had to gasp with its last vestiges of strength just to inch past the $100 million mark. But, call me crazy, I actually thought it was quite funny and enjoyable.

Honorable Mention: Breach, The Astronaut Farmer, Zodiac, Reign Over Me, The Last Mimzy, Pathfinder, Next, Delta Farce, DOA: Dead or Alive, Sunshine, In the Valley of Elah, The Last Legion, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising, Hitman.

Category No. 3: In a World Gone Crazy ...

5. 1408 — The premise was there, the A-list actors were there, and it was good to have a Stephen King title represented in the horror category this past summer (when pretty much every other horror film thus far had failed miserably). The trouble was, it just wasn't that good. I'm sure I'm in the vast minority here, but I found the entire story to be confusing and unengaging, and the ending completely left me flat. But it was the No. 1 scary movie of the year, so hey, what do I know?

4. Norbit — As far as I'm concerned, Eddie Murphy in a fat suit lost its allure in The Nutty Professor: The Klumps. Seeing him in multiples roles, again, most notably as a morbidly obese, impossibly obnoxious, domineering woman went well beyond the boundaries for good entertainment. How this film came a hair's breadth from blockbuster status is simply beyond me.

3. Are We Done Yet? — See above, substituting Ice Cube's suburban Money Pit shenanigans for Eddie's fat latex ass.

2. Rush Hour 3 — When Part 2 of this series slaughtered at the box office seven years earlier, we wondered if there would be a third installment. And then Chris Tucker spent more than half a decade demanding more money befitting his A-list status while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing else. The industry swallowed its pride, and two hours of Mssrs. Tucker and Chan poncing around Paris choked out $140 million in August.

1. Wild Hogs — Four actors, two of whom are well past their prime (and one who's never been there), battling their collective mid-life crises by forming the least threatening biker gang since Homer Simpson's Hell's Satans? And it became the No. 1 frickin' comedy of the year?! Unbelievable.

(Dis)honorable Mention: Bee Movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Underdog.

Category No. 4: The Worst of the Worst

5. (Tie) Primeval, The Hitcher, Blood and Chocolate, The Messengers, The Abandoned, Premonition, The Hills Have Eyes II, The Reaping, Vacancy, Wind Chill, Bug, 28 Weeks Later, Rise: Blood Hunter, Hostel 2, Captivity, Skinwalkers, The Invasion — In this, possibly the worst year for horror EVER, when even the Saw franchise seems to be running out of steam, the number of actual success could be counted on the one hand ... of a clumsy high school shop teacher.

4. (Tie) All of the Crappy Craptastic Crapfests That You Knew Were Crap from the Moment You Heard About Them — You are probably grateful to have been (hopefully) never exposed to: Happily N'ever After, Code Name: The Cleaner, Because I Said So, Firehouse Dog, Redline, The Invisible, Georgia Rule, Who's Your Caddy?, I Know Who Killed Me, El Cantante, BRATZ, Daddy Day Camp, The Brothers Solomon, Feel the Noise, The Comebacks, Awake.

3. Perfect Stranger – Every year that passes since the last good movie that Halle Berry appeared in (whose title didn't start with an "X") — every year since Monster's Ball, essentially — feels like three, doesn't it? A thoroughly uninteresting plot, a trite-as-all-get-out twist ending, and a complete waste of Bruce Willis. About as far from perfect as you can get.

2. The Number 23 — The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Majestic showed that Jim Carrey can, in fact, do drama, and do it convincingly. (Well, cross out that last one, blech.) This convoluted foray into the horror/thriller, for which I'll give him full marks for trying something different, fell completely flat.

And now, the crowning turd in the water pipe:

1. Epic Movie – You know, there was a time when spoof movies were actually funny. Back in the glory days of Mel Brooks and the Zucker brothers, who created some of the funniest films ever shown, you took a specific genre (or, occasionally, a handful of specific titles), and turned them sideways, to hilarious effect. But lately, it doesn't seem to be about creating something worthwhile, it's more about seeing how many completely unconnectable plot lines from recognizable, successful movies you can butcher in one 90-minute span. I mean, this stupid, completely unsalvageable piece of excrement spoofed X-Men, Snakes on a Plane, Nacho Libre, The Da Vinci Code, The Chronicles of Narnia and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ... all in first ten goddamn minutes. Ever since the Scary Movie franchise added Leslie Friggin' Nielsen to its cast, all spoof movies seem to be taking this unforgivable road, and I am calling it right now: Superhero Movie and Meet the Spartans will finish in a tie for the Worst Film of 2008. Enough is too much, Hollywood.

Reminder: The First Annual Super Leagues are forming as we speak, so if you haven't gotten your entry in to me, don't wait any longer ... DO IT NOW!!! The whole shebang starts at the end of next week, and one week later, the door will close to new entries for this most auspicious event. What are you waiting for?!

Well, that's about all I have for you today. While I go pound down a quart of Scope to get the foul taste out of my mouth, I'll remind you to return next week when I go in the other direction, recapping for you the absolute best that the last 12 months had to offer; the biggest surprises, the roaring successes, the cream of the crop.

TTFN!

Shrykespeare would like to be played by Samuel L. Jackson in Fantasy Moguls Movie, whenever the spoof people run out of other directions to take this thing, because they're both pretty badass. Maybe Craig T. Nelson could be Mister Informative. Send your own casting suggestions to shrykespeare42@gmail.com.