I apologize to all my faithful readers (yes, both of you) for not having a column last week. In addition to having a President's Day weekend that left me literally no time for writing, I was also burdened with a crashed computer, making it impossible for me to do my bardly thing. But all is well now, and I will do my very best to catch up this week, by giving you the DL on several films coming out on March 7 and 14. So, let's not dally!

First off, I think we can all agree that Roland Emmerich never does anything small, does he? I mean, this is the guy who's given us some historic huge-scale disaster, monster and societal-collapse flicks. Think of Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow, four films that brought in a whopping $700 million domestically. Only now, he's reversing the field, going not to the end of the world, but rather, its beginning (so to speak), with 10,000 B.C. (March 7), a film that Emmerich not only directed, but wrote and produced as well.

After the roaring success of 300, whose double-blockbuster success story began on this exact weekend one year ago, one can certainly understand why this numerically-titled film was given the same slot. I think, however,  that anyone hoping that a prehistoric action/adventure will somehow match that stellar comic book adaptation will be grossly disappointed. Set in a time of woolly mammoths, sabertoothed tigers and scores of other enormous CGI nasties, I think this film will do fairly well, but I'd say that the chances of it reaching the sacred $100 million mark are very scarce indeed.

Why? There are barely any recognizable names in the cast, for a start: Steven Strait (The Covenant) plays D'Leh, a young mammoth hunter who must "journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe." He is joined by young beauty Camilla Belle (When a Stranger Calls) as well as veteran actors Cliff Curtis (Live Free or Die Hard) and Omar Sharif.

On the other hand, this is the only large-scale serious action film until probably mid-April, when Forbidden Kingdom hits theaters, so there's that. It has a good shot of winning its opening weekend depending on its theater count, and it's being marketed up the yin-yang, so it is possible that it might dethrone Will Ferrell's latest raunch-fest Semi-Pro, which will be in its second week. Additionally, with the exception of Horton Hears A Who (which comes out one week later), the release schedule is fairly weak for a good long while after that.

Priced very reasonably at $21 in the brand-new March-May Ultimate Movie Moguls leagues (and only $16 in Box Office Moguls), 10,000 B.C. is predicted by Fantasy Moguls to make a mere $55 million, bring in nine Top 5 points and four PTA points, as well as a rating of 6.6. I, personally, think it will go higher, pulling in 10 or 11 Top 5, and topping out at around $80 million in total box office. I think it's the fourth-best over-$20 pick of the season, after Semi-Pro, Horton and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The appeal is there, and I don't think it will disappoint you for the money involved. Just don't expect 300-like numbers.

Ye gods, wasn't it only, like, two weeks ago that I previewed Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins? I mean, I can only take so much Martin Lawrence, but seriously? Two screwball comedies featuring Lawrence in the lead role in back-to-back months? That's overkill, folks. I mean, Jenkins will only have been in theaters for four weeks before College Road Trip (March 7) worms its way into theaters ... is the man's fan base so large that they'll run drooling to their local cinema to catch their "hero" for a second helping? I seriously doubt it.

I did, in fact, recommend Jenkins, because African-American family comedies do tend to do well, and it did: it's brought in $30 million (and counting), and garnered four Top 5 points and two PTA points, which definitely makes it worth the $7 it cost to have it in the February leagues. (The 2.7 User Rating, obviously, was self-inflicted. Grimace.) However, the competition for Road Trip is considerably larger this month as far as comedies go, and I don't think it will do even that well. Oh, wait, it's a Disney film? Forget what I just said. (Sigh.)

In this film, Lawrence plays James Porter, a small-town police chief who is more than a little overprotective of his college-bound daughter Rachel (played by an all-growed-up Raven-Symone), who emphatically wants to go to Georgetown. In a last-ditch effort to keep Rachel near home, he proposes a "road trip" to various other nearby universities in the hopes that she'll acquiesce. After that, you can bet that there will be every single cliché imaginable for a film of this nature, in a way that only Disney can bring; car trouble, animal trouble, double-entendres, wrist-slitting sing-alongs, and impossibly annoying Volvo-driving white people (including Donny Osmond, who's apparently still both a) alive, and b) somewhat youthful looking ).

Directed by Roger Kumble (who directed the similar National Lampoon's Senior Trip in 1995), one might think that this film has a chance to equal the success of last fall's The Game Plan. Well, "one" would be wrong. That's right, I've changed my mind again. I don't care if it is Disney, the appeal of Lawrence and a teenage girl in a car does not come close to matching the charismatic appeal of The Rock footballing it up with his adorable eight-year-old daughter. Plus, as I said, two Lawrence films in two months is two two much.

It will only run you $9 and $7 in the new March-May Ultimate and Box Office Leagues, so if the Disney name alone is enough of a pedigree to convince you that this film will be a success, then go for it. Don't look for a User Rating much higher than 5.5 (The Game Plan only managed a 6.2, despite its success), and five Top 5 points are possible, given that Horton Hears a Who is the only film coming on March 14 that's received any hype at all. The forecast of $23.5 million is very likely, but if there's any higher power at all, it won't go much higher than that. (God: "Hey, buddy, I loved Wild Hogs. Watch it.") Oh, bollocks ...

Imagine if you will the story of Ocean's Eleven, only poorer, grittier and vastly more British, and you'd have something akin to The Bank Job (March 7), an import from across the pond brought to us by Lionsgate Films. Now, there have been no shortage of English heist films in the past, such as Layer Cake, Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (some of which have been critically acclaimed), and The Bank Job, which is based on the true story of one of the most infamous bank robberies in British history, is attempting to become the next one.

Directed by Aussie Roger Donaldson (Dante's Peak, The Recruit), this film's trailer makes it come across as an undeniably European film, with its all-English cast, setting and soundtrack, which I think could both help and hurt its chances here in the U.S. On the one hand, it's got the ravishing Saffron Burrows as well as the ever-cool Jason Statham (who, as an aside, is now working on his third The (Your Adjective Here) Job film, namely The Brazilian Job, the sequel to The Italian Job, which is due in theaters next year).

Despite the commercials that I've seen for this film claiming that it will be opening "everywhere," I can't see this film playing on much more than 1,800 screens. Though its heist movie appeal will help, many American moviegoers tend to shun films that appear to be completely untouched by American influences, which is why, I'm guessing, Fantasy Moguls has slapped a bargain price tag of $4 on it (in both games). They predict $15.5 million in total output, along with three Top 5 points and a rating of 4.9. Well, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that it currently has an IMDb rating of 7.8 (after a mere 146 votes), and it seems unlikely that it will drop much more than a point below that, but I don't think it will get more than one Top 5 point, and only on its opening weekend. But for its cheap asking price, it'll get you what you need.

Up next, we have a film that's just become available only in the just-created March-May Box Office leagues, and for the rock-bottom price of $2. Why it's not on the roster for Ultimate leagues is beyond me, but perhaps it's a blessing in disguise: This film will most likely bring you no Top 5 points, no PTA points and a sucky User Rating, not having it will dissuade any of you from picking it. I'm talking about DOOMSDAY (March 14), a film that's so brazenly over-the-top that they had to put it all in capital letters. I've just watched the trailer, and much like The Bank Job, it features a primarily English cast: Bob Hoskins, Malcolm McDowell, Alexander Siddig (who, incidentally, is McDowell's nephew), and, in the lead role usually reserved for Milla Jovovich, former Lara Croft body double Rhona Mitra (Shooter).

This film quite obviously combines elements from such post-apocalyptic fare as 28 Weeks Later, The Road Warrior, and, most glaringly, the Resident Evil series. The story: after a virus (affectionately known as "Reaper") decimates the population of an unnamed country (could it be ... England?), the survivors quarantine themselves inside a giant-walled off city, leaving the infected to rot outside. However, three decades later, the Reaper virus resurfaces, and butt-kicking scientist Eden Sinclair (Mitra) must venture outside the walls of the city in search of a cure, a noble quest whose significance is apparently lost on the survivors, who are understandably miffed at being left outside. (As a possibly mitigating factor, it's worth considering that this film was written and directed by British filmmaker Neil Marshall, whose films The Descent and Dog Soldiers have a contingent of ardent admirers. The Descent also was quite favorably reviewed by many critics. So maybe the suckage of DOOMSDAY isn't completely assured.) 

Look, post-apocalyptic horror/thrillers have been a staple of filmdom for decades, and even some of the truly bad ones have their value as guilty pleasures ... Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, Aeon Flux, Waterworld, and does anyone else remember She? Or Endgame? This one looks no different in that respect, and, like I've intimated, it's priced accordingly. I have no idea how large a release it's going to get, but if it's over 1,500 screens, this is probably the best $2 pick you could make this season. And since it's only available in the Box Office leagues, you don't have to worry about all those other red flags that usually come with a really bad film.

Well, that will wrap it up for me for another week. Please return again next week, when I will be talking about five more films scheduled for release on March 14 and 21: Jim Carrey and Steve Carell reunite for the first time since Bruce Almighty in the animated potential blockbuster Horton Hears a Who; troubled actor Owen Wilson plays a bumbling bodyguard-for-hire who takes on a high-school bully in Drillbit Taylor; Tyler Perry is back with another rousing African-American family comedy, this time in Meet the Browns; a married couple discovers ghostly images in their developed photographs following a tragic accident in horror/thriller Shutter; and Sean Faris attempts to become the Danny Larusso for the current generation in Never Back Down.

TTFN!

In a former life, Shrykespeare was a young mammoth hunter, but he doesn't recall meeting many cavegirls who looked like Camilla Belle. Racquel Welch, maybe. Send your cave paintings to shrykespeare42@gmail.com.