I am here today to talk about two films that will be released on the weekend of June 13, and for both of these titles, I can only say: Proceed with extreme caution. I have heard very mixed reviews of both films (though the scales are tilted toward the negative far more in one instance than the other, as you'll soon see), and though both are picks that won't run you very much dough, both are extremely risky. Make sure your airbags are working, is all I'm saying.

It's been almost five years (to the week, in fact) since the much-anticipated film Hulk hit theaters. That film was directed by Taiwanese standout Ang Lee, who had scored almost unanimous critical praise for efforts like Eat Drink Man Woman, Sense and Sensibility, The Ice Storm, the genre-defining Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the romantic drama Brokeback Mountain. Given that the main character is pretty much unlike every other decked-out-in-spandex comic superhero EVER, fans weren't exactly sure what to expect. What they got, however, they most assuredly did not like.

On the one hand, the story of the Hulk was (and is) a very human story, very tragic, with a weird Zen aspect to it that only Lee could have brought. And maybe that was the problem. It was too angst-y, too far from the established norm of comic-book-dom to really strike a chord with the masses. And having Eric Bana, IMHO a decent enough actor but a charismatic black hole, play the lead didn't help. Hulk ended up with an IMDb User Rating of only 5.8, which puts it on a level with other perceived-as-lackluster Marvel Comics adaptations like Ghost Rider and Daredevil. It didn't fail earnings-wise, however, as it pounded out more than $132 million at U.S. ticket counters, and grabbed an additional $113 million worldwide.

What, exactly, prompted the green-light of The Incredible Hulk only half a decade later is unclear to me. Is it meant to be a sequel? (Some say no, some say yes.) Or was it meant as kind of a make-up call, a way to further purge Lee's version from our minds, as if to say, "Here's the Hulk film we SHOULD have made in 2003!" Which seems like a rather callous thing to do to such a noteworthy director, but hey, that's showbiz.

I have to figure that much will be vastly different about this new Hulk film ... the feel, the look, the mood. What is not different, it would seem, is that the directorial reins have been handed over to another foreigner, in this case Louis Leterrier, who has found some success in making gritty martial-arts action films like Unleashed (aka Danny the Dog) as well as The Transporter and its sequel. The screenplay was co-written by Zak Penn (who, uh, penned the scripts for the last two X-Men films) and actor Edward Norton, who also steps into the leading role of Dr. Bruce Banner.

I've always liked Norton (and not just because I'm only one DAY older than he is), starting with his Oscar-nominated role in Primal Fear, and continuing through such films as American History X, Fight Club, The Score, Red Dragon, The Italian Job and 2006's awesome The Illusionist. He is very good at playing characters who are, to one degree or another, "off" (or are just, for want of a better word, jerks), and this role is truly asking a lot of him.

This is a character who has been around for a very long time, so his origins are pretty much common knowledge by now: When Dr. Bruce Banner is accidentally exposed to high levels of gamma radiation during the field test of a Gamma Bomb, he finds that, thereafter, whenever he is under severe emotional or physical stress, he morphs into a gigantic, green-skinned monster (dubbed, of course, the Hulk), an unstoppable force of rage and determination.

Obviously, this creates a serious problem for Banner, who must live the life of a fugitive, simultaneously searching for a cure for his condition while evading capture by a government that considers him to be "their property." Liv Tyler, who was Arwen in the recent The Lord of the Rings movies, plays Bruce's love interest, Betty Ross, who just happens to be the daughter of Gen. Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (William Hurt), the man leading the quest to recover Herr Banner.

To that end, Ross enlists the aid of Emil Blonsky (the always colorful Tim Roth), who chooses to undergo a similar transformation so that they can brink the Hulk in alive. Ooh, you think that's wise? (Wink, wink ...) Oh, and you can also expect cameo appearances from Stan Lee (natch), Lou Ferrigno (double natch) and Robert Downey Jr., doing that whole Iron Man/The Avengers tie-in thing that will culminate in about three years' time.

I've seen several trailers for this film, and it is extremely hard for me to pinpoint just what the general public's reaction to it will be. As I said, it's only been five years since the previous Hulk story, which is not nearly long enough for people to have forgotten about it. Pushing the reset button this early just smacks of desperation to me. Still, history has shown that even the substandard Marvel Comics-inspired movies invariably crack $100 million, so I feel safe in predicting that this one will as well. Just don't look for much more than that ... this feels much more like Daredevil than Spider-Man, more like Fantastic Four than X-Men.

This title will run you only $13 in the May Ultimate Leagues (and an even trimmer $11 in Box Office), which, for a comic book superhero film, is not too bad. Fantasy Moguls predicts seven Top 5 points, only two PTA, a rating of only 5.9 and $80 million in total box office. And that, honestly, sounds about right to me, although I think $100 million is a likelihood. The Incredible Hulk should come in squarely at No. 2 on its opening weekend, behind Kung Fu Panda with about $30-40 million, but look for it to drop rather quickly after that. Much more desirable (and family-friendly) films like Get Smart, WALL-E and Hancock are coming in each of the next three weeks, and unless The Incredible Hulk flares up like a house afire, it will be a fair-to-good pick for you at best. Just don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. (Grin.)

If it seems like it wasn't that long ago that M. Night Shyamalan was a hot new filmmaker, taking Hollywood by storm with The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, that's because ... it wasn't. It's actually been just seven years since Signs grabbed $60 million on opening weekend. Back then, audiences couldn't wait to see what this groundbreaking visionary, born in India but raised essentially from birth in Pennsylvania, would do next. With his first two big-budget efforts, he established himself as a virtual master of macabre, eerie suspense stories; both films were beautifully shot, impeccably acted and exquisitely written. I so admired that he absolutely refused to rush through a story, and let the characters develop at their own pace.

The Sixth Sense (which made $293 million and a garnered a stellar IMDb rating of 8.2) featured one of the best performances by a child actor EVER, making a star out of Haley Joel Osment, and Unbreakable (which only made $95 million but still commanded a very respectable IMDb number of 7.2) featured quite possibly one of the most stirring performances in Bruce Willis's career, and which also might be regarded as one of the best bare-bones superhero films ever conceived.

Signs, M. Night's third major film, was also a worthy effort, and cashed in to the tune of $227 million, but many fans felt that there was something intangibly missing from it. The Shyamalan "slump" continued with 2004's The Village ($114 million, 6.6 Rating) and deepened in 2006 with the fairly incomprehensible Lady in the Water (only $42 million and a 6.0 Rating). On the bright side, that's still more than $770 million amassed from just five films, a per-film average of $154 million, which for many directors would be seen as success. On the other hand, this is a very pronounced downward spiral that Shyamalan has become entrenched in, and I'm sorry to say, it looks like things are going to get worse before they get better. MUCH worse. Brace yourself, people, for The Happening.

What do you do? When one of your favorite singers puts out an album that is complete crap; do you stop calling yourself a fan? When one of your favorite actors basically mails in a performance, do you eschew any film that that actor appears in thenceforth? Well, if you do, then woe betide you if you're a Mark Wahlberg fan. Yes, the man who gave us awesome performances in Boogie Nights, Three Kings and The Departed, as well as delivering the goods in enjoyable-enough fare like The Perfect Storm, The Italian Job, Invincible and, to a degree, Planet of the Apes, is not up to his usual standard here, according to at least one reviewer.

I've only read a single review so far, but the truth is, I've been keeping tabs on this film since I first heard about it nine months ago (and honestly, the bad mojo has been circulating for almost as long), and I have waited, watched and prayed, diligently, doggedly even, hoping for some small glimmer that this wouldn't be yet another disaster for Shyamalan. But that glimmer never came, folks. Bottom line: this is going to be BAD.

And I don't mean bad like Speed Racer was bad — that film tanked, but it still managed to win the praise of some critics, scored a passable User Rating, and may yet find life on DVD. No, folks, The Happening is, at this point, virtually a lock to be critically reviled and universally ignored. Razzie-worthy, even. The only people who will pay to see this movie are filmgoers blissfully ignorant of its myriad stamps of disapproval and Shyamalan die-hards, most of whom will probably rethink that title once they leave the theater. Oh, and for those looking forward to one of Shyamalan's trademark "twist" endings? Don't bother, apparently there is none.

To paraphrase Anton Ego, "Critics thrive on negative reviews, which are fun both to read and to write." And I will admit, I do get a perverse sense of pleasure out of bashing the latest bowel-clenching outing featuring Lindsay Lohan or Cuba Gooding Jr., or the latest directorial Hindenburg by the team of Friedberg/Seltzer or Uwe Boll. But anticipating the bloodbath to come for The Happening, dear readers, gives me no pleasure whatsoever. This could do potentially irreversible damage to Shyamalan's once-promising career.

I can only pray that the damage control turns out to be minimal and, as I've said on the Message Boards recently, I hope that M. takes this opportunity to get the hell out of his own head, return to his own personal Dagobah and finish his Jedi Director training. He can come back whenever he figures out what kind of director he wants to spend the rest of his career being. Because at the rate he's going, before too long he may not even get for-hire gigs like the film he'll reportedly make next, a live-action adaptation of the anime series Avatar: The Last Airbender.

A few months ago, I would have thought that $11 for this film in Ultimate ($8 in Box Office) would be a steal. Now, however, it's too much. It won't earn five Top 5 points (I'd say two, max), and it certainly won't come close to the 6.2 User Rating Fantasy Moguls has predicted (I'd be surprised if it's over 5.0). And for its total output? At this point, $40 million seems optimistic. Don't be tempted, folks. Put this on your slate, and the only thing that will be "happening" for you is defeat.

June-August Fantasy Moguls leagues are being formed as we speak, and I have fewer than 10 spots left in the second-half half-year Super League tournaments. (I have decided to cap the tournament at 100 entries.) If you haven't already done so, register NOW by sending me an e-mail, and I will send you the password(s) straightaway. The tournament begins the weekend of June 6th, which is only just over a week away, so don't delay! This promises to be an AWESOME tournament!

Well, I'm actually relieved to say that that's all I have for you this week. Next week will bring a much-needed change of pace, as we jump from two serious, gut-churning dramas to two goofy comedies. To wit, I'll be talking about: Get Smart, an adaptation of the Mel Brooks-created TV spy send-up from yesteryear, featuring Steve Carell as Maxwell Smart and Anne Hathaway as the delectable Agent 99; and The Love Guru, Mike Myers' latest potential franchise-starter, where he plays an American-born Hindu guru trying to make it big back in the land of his birth.

TTFN!

Shrykespeare sees dead people. If he saw dead careers, too, then he might be looking at the aftermath of directorial twilight for M. Night. Maybe the Nightster can get his head right before the inevitable offer to direct The Sixther Sense or Sign comes along. Make your own prognosis to shrykespeare42@gmail.com.