DON'T PANIC!!

This should be a very familiar phrase. It's inscribed in big friendly letters on the cover of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, perhaps the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than The Celestial Homecare Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-Three More Things to Do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who Is This God Person Anyway?

[NOTE: Shrykespeare submitted this column prior to Monday's announcement regarding the future of Fantasy Moguls.] Good day, fellow intrepid travelers of the murky moors of Fantaversia, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View. The calendar year is winding down, and studios are hoping to end 2008 with a far bigger bang than it began. (Remember One Missed Call? You know ... OMC?Anyone? Anyone?) Also winding down are the 1st Annual Super Leagues, and the few contestants who remain are trying doggedly to avoid that final brutal cut. It's so nice to be the one with the scissors ... (Wink.)

Hello, good day to you all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View. Being Fantay Moguls's second-most-tenured weekly columnist (after the August Mister Informative) gives me a unique perspective. On the one hand, I'd like to think my position commands a certain amount of respect, but there are always those who delight in taking me down a peg or poking holes in my (guffaw) research. Which is fine: Those of you who just love that feeling of schadenfreude should know that there is currently a thread on the Message Boards where you can basically go AGAINST my "Weekend Winners" picks from a couple weeks ago. So if you want to put your money where your, erm, fingers are, have at me! (Those who picked dual Top 5 and PTA victories for Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa are already a half-point ahead of me; I honestly didn't think it would open THAT big, or that The Boy in the Striped Pajamas could fail to emerge victorious ... still, it was close.)

[Taps microphone] Hello?  Testing, testing ... is this thing on? [Clears throat]  Ahem. My fellow Fantaversians, I bid you all welcome to the fair and humble shores of Mogul-land.  Though the much-ballyhooed presidential election is now over, the debates continue to rage. You will find no political punditry here, however; I imagine you've had your fill, having been inundated by streaming video and up-to-the-minute coverage of said election, 24/7, on every network and cable channel, for months.  But I, Fantasy Moguls's very own Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer and Rush Limbaugh all rolled into one, am here to fuel the debate on an issue just as ... well, nearly as important:  namely, which wide-release movies are the best choices for your roster.  (Grin.)

Hello once again, and welcome to this Special Edition of Bard's Eye View. This particular week on the calendar marks the launching of what is loosely dubbed the "holiday film season," where all of the studios crank out their cold-weather best in order to score either some winter green or some spring gold (as in statuettes), or both. With the possible exception of the beginning of the summer blockbuster season (the first week in May), this may be the time of the year when the Hollywood buzz is the loudest.

Greetings one and all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View. Halloween may be right around the corner, and with it, all of its creeptastic and ghoulerrific eeriness, but if you've come here for the scoop on the films of Halloween, then, I just have to say ... [Insert obnoxiously loud buzzer sound] Where have YOU been? I talked about those movies weeks ago! Tomorrow's movies are yesterday's news around here! I've got a column to run, and it must pop POP POP!! (Sorry, got a little carried away.)

Hello once again, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, and believe you me, no one is happier to be returning to this little Podunk column than I am. I'm not going to get all maudlin about my recent brush with death, even though it's both a sobering and amusing thought to think of myself as a lumbering, shuffling, newly-risen Shaun of the Dead-style zombie, trying to sate my need for fresh brains while Mr. Pegg and Mr. Frost hurl their CD collection at my head. Still, thanks to all the Fantaverse for your well-wishes, I'll never forget it. (Weak grin.)

Hello once again, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View. The number of weeks until we christen the beginning of a new year is about to hit single digits, and that usually means a heightened sense of anticipation and retrospection: We look back at the year that was, as well as the year that's yet to come. And then, of course, there's the tumultuous guessing game that is the Oscar season, as the best of Hollywood's best vie for superiority in the hopes of scoring those little gold statuettes. I guess bowling trophies just don't cut it for some people. (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View. In this fall season, when the colors turn to orange, yellow and brown, this is the place to come to figure out which wide-release films will make the most green, as well as which ones will leave you feeling decidedly blue. Such is autumn ... and with the newly-launched October leagues underway complete with their all-encompassing rosters, this makes picking the best of the best extremely tough.

Hello once again, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, the place to come for the best ways to translate the hype, the buzz, the rumor and the speculation and turn it into Ultimate Movie Moguls and Box Office Moguls victory. It's not always an easy translation. Some films make a great-two minute trailer but not much else, and others can't even begin to know just how big an impact they'll have on moviegoers everywhere. I am here, however, as always, to use my secret decoder ring for your benefit. (Wink.)