Good day, fellow Fantaversians, and welcome to the extra-special 1st Anniversary edition of Bard's Eye View. That's right, it has been one year exactly since yours truly put my first feelers out into an uncertain realm. But now, 50 issues, 150 films, 120,000 words and three restraining orders later, I have achieved no small measure of ... well, something, I'm sure. I would like to thank everyone who has ever paid me a compliment, playfully thumb my nose at anyone who ever told me to (cough) off, and pray that things only get bigger and better for Fantasy Moguls from here. This is a special issue, folks — with a special introduction, no less, from a very special character — so be sure, immediately after reading, to encase it firmly in mylar, for you never know just how much it's going to be worth one day! (Wink.)

Hello all, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for one self-appointed expert's opinion on what to do with the latest films to hit America's cineplexes. You know, picking the right summer film is a lot like picking the correct TV dance partner ... you want one who's been expertly trained, is sure-footed, dexterous and, most importantly, knows how to work a crowd. Of course, some films look like hot-steppin' hoofers, but turn out to have two left feet that are all thumbs. Whether you are an experienced rug-cutter looking expectantly at Carrie Ann Inaba, or whether you are a pigeon-toed newbie withering under the baleful glare of Nigel Lythgoe, I bid you welcome. (God help me, I've become hooked on Dancing With the Stars and So You Think You Can Dance, and I have no problem whatsoever in blaming my wife for this. Wink.)

Hello all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View, the place to come to alleviate some of the confusion you must feel when trying to pick the strongest possible lineup for your summer slates. Yes, that's right, I said summer! SUMMER! Hip hip hooray! Nice nice! Ya-boo! Phillips is a German and he have my pen! (BONG!) "Start again ..."

Good day one and all, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, your own person guidebook to the ultra-smashes, the mega-flops, and the unbelievably ordinary of upcoming cinematic developments. Whether you are a youngster taking a break from cramming for finals, a seasoned professional taking a gander on your lunch break, or super-intelligent chimp who banged just the right combination of keys to bring up this article, to you I say, in order, welcome, welcome, and eep ook aaa aaa ooo ooo gnaaa Heston had it coming. (Wink.)

Greetings to all Fantaversians, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, the place to come if you want, at a quick glance, one man's considered opinions about the latest and the greatest of what Hollywood (and other exotic filmic locales) have to offer. Whether you are equipped with a nifty laptop or palmtop that costs more than my car, with a microprocessor so fast that you can finish reading this column before I've even finished writing it, or whether you are sitting at an outmoded dinosaur of a PC located next to the water-heater in your mother's basement, with only the obnoxiously loud washer/dryer for company and a hopelessly slow dial-up modem as a means of connection, I bid you welcome. Just make sure to give those clothes a thorough shaking before folding, static cling is one of those unsung blights on humanity that never seems to make the papers. (Wink.)

Greetings one and all, and welcome once again of Bard's Eye View, your weekly broadcast for breaking information on the latest in filmic developments, where I, your very own talking head (no, not like David Byrne, though that would be awesome, or Max Headroom, which would be even awesomer), do my best to lay the groundwork for you to build the best possible slate of movies for your spring and summer leagues. There will be no breaking news about the conflict in Iraq, no hand-wringing about the price of crude oil and no "you heard it here first" blurbs about where Lindsay Lohan was recently seen coking it up. For that, you'll have to go to Fox News. (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for the lowdown on the best, the worst, and the undeniably "meh" of this spring's upcoming roster of films. Whether you are celebrating your survival in the just-completed first round of the first-ever Super League — or, better yet, whooping it up at a hard-earned Immunity Marker — or whether you are crying into your beer at your early exit, I bid you welcome. I told you people it was going to be exciting, didn't I? Well, it's interesting to note that some of the "Regulars," some of the most practiced Moguls around, were unable to make the cut in one or more of the tournaments ... so that tells you just how fierce this competition is. Not me, of course. I rule. (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome to the latest issue of Bard's Eye View, the luxury box in which we Fantaversians sit and coffeehouse about the biggest of the big flicks coming out down the line. (Actually, that would be a description better attributed to the Message Boards, but I digress.) Whether you are a regular's regular, craning your neck upward to get full view of the three-story screen mere inches from your face, or whether you are perched in the nosebleed section, binocs in hand, preparing yourself for a full two hours of squinting, I bid you welcome. "Overture, curtain, lights, this is it, you'll hit the heights, and oh what heights we'll hit ... on with the show, this is it ... " (Wink.)

'Allo, 'allo, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, the place to come for the bare bones on upcoming wide-release films. Whether you are breathing a collective sigh of relief at the opening weekend of Horton Hears a Who!, pumping your fist in silent triumph, or whether you are cursing the fates and emulating Jim Carrey in that scene from Liar Liar ("I'm kickin' my own ass! D'ya mind?!?!"), I bid you welcome. Thank God at least one film this year has lived up to its hype, as 2008 was perilously close to the precipice of mediocrity. We're not completely out of the doldrums yet, but we've taken one step up the ladder. But, oh, wait, here comes April, and with it the Giant Bird of Foreshadowing ... (Wink.)

Hello again, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for counsel, confirmation, validation and plain ol' vanilla advice on the spring's endless bombardment of large-, and medium-scale films. Whether you are a player who likes to front-load his lineups and pray that you can hang on before the bell tolls, or whether you prefer to play catch-up by picking late-comers and climbing the ladder authoritatively, I bid you welcome. After this year's myriad of disasters, this sense of schadenfreude must be giving you a pretty good buzz by now, eh? (Wink.)

Greetings all Fantaversians, and welcome back to Bard's Eye View, the place to come for the skinny on the latest wide release films, and what impact they may have on your slate. Whether you are rejoicing and celebrating at not having picked Semi-Pro for your March slates — and are snickering evilly at those of us who did — or whether you are pounding your head on the pavement, cursing the name of Will Ferrell and a certain unnamed columnist who told you that his latest sports romp would be yooge, I bid you welcome. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't purposely lead the rest of the lemmings off the cliff ... now put that pitchfork down! (Wink.)

Hello there all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View, the place to come for tips on scouting out the best deals possible on upcoming wide-release films. Not unlike purchasing a new car, picking movies can be extremely tricky. You may be attracted to a snazzy-looking vehicle that looks great and road-tests like a dream, but truthfully it would eat you alive in insurance and upkeep costs ... so you instead opt for a car that may not get the girls' attention, but will get you from Point A to Point B. Whether you are purchasing your very first automobile or whether you are looking to trade in that old jalopy of yours for something a little less offensive-looking, I bid you welcome. Let's kick the tires with authority, and see how fast we can get this puppy up to 90! (Wink.)

Hello there all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View, where I your paragon of bardliness, attempt to impart knowledge about upcoming films, and how they impact your spring rosters. Picking films is sometimes like choosing from the dessert cart at a fancy restaurant. You don't want to overindulge yourself for fear of indigestion, but sometimes, they just look too scrumptious to ignore, don't they? Whether you are looking for something excessive in calories, like a slice of triple-layered fudge cake or a tempting tiramisu, or whether you are simple looking for a miniscule biscotti to go with your post-meal cappuccino, I bid you welcome. And if nothing here catches your eye, you can still have one of our complimentary wafer-thin after-dinner mints. ("Oh, come on, ees only waffer-theen!" It's not like you're going to explode or anything! Just let me take cover behind this row of potted plants ... ) (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, where I, your pretentious prognosticator, purport to preview the latest peliculas, pompously puffing them up or pooping on them like a passing passerine. Please pardon me if my prevarications come off as pure poppycock, but my presages are, after all, no different that anyone else's: pure pith. (Yes, that's pith with a "th", you nimrods. Get your minds out of the gutter. Wink.)

Hello there all, and welcome once again to Bard's Eye View, the place to come for insight on which films to pick from this spring's roster, like a veritable cinematic medicine cabinet, looking for the remedy that will make it all better. Whether you are suffering from a mild case of the sniffles, or whether you are full-on bedridden, with cough, chills, fever, trick knee, gout, colic, lumbago and that truly odious substance that seems to ooze from every orifice at the most inopportune time. (At the moment, I reckon I am somewhere in between, which is why I've had to install a sneeze guard on my monitor. Wink.)

Greetings, fellow cinephiles, and welcome to the latest chapter of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for tips on picking the best titles from this season's veritable buffet table of choices. Whether you are piling your plate high and planning on coming back for seconds, or whether you are a finicky eater taking a few scant morsels from every offering for the purpose of tantalizing your taste buds, I bid you welcome. Our carver will be happy to carve off a slab of fresh meat for you, and please, don't forget the gravy! (Wink.)

Greetings fellow Fantaversians, and welcome to the latest issue of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for insight on which films are the best choices for your brand new slates. Not unlike choosing the best candidate for President of the United States of America (for those of you who actually live here), you want to make sure that your picks are the best ones for the job; if they are popular enough and have enough of a following, they will perform to or above your expectations. Unlike some of my past choices, who were seen in shadowy back-alleys dallying with prostitutes or having tawdry affairs with interns in seedy motels, or whose stand on tax cuts for the rich I should have taken more notice of, or who had tendencies to shoot other films in the face with a 12-gauge. (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for insight on picking the best first-string lineup for your 2008 leagues. Like many current NFL coaches could probably tell you, the key to victory is putting the best possible lineup out on the field, and that's where I come in. Whether you are a wily veteran looking to secure your very first championship ring, or a rookie looking to go as fah-vruh (snicker) as you can, I bid you welcome. Keep that helmet strapped on tight, and do your best to avoid a groin injury. ("I said a GRO-IN in-ja-ree!") (Wink.)

Happy New Year to all Moguls, Fantaversians and fellow movie buffs! I am pleased as punch to help all of you out there ring in 2008 with its very first column, which, appropriately enough, chronicles the very best that 2007 had to offer. Unlike last week's "tribute to the terrible" (for which I've caught no small amount of grief, I can tell you), this week's column will focus on the box-office smashes, the critical hits, and, of course, the very best cinema available to us mere mortals in the past 12 months. I'll remind all out there, AGAIN, that what follows is just basically a heaping helping of my opinions, and if you disagree with me, well, neener-neener-neener. (Wink.)

Hello again, and welcome to a special edition of Bard's Eye View, where I, your humble columnist, will be taking a look back at the year that was, running down the list of films that, to put it mildly, failed. Failed to draw an audience, failed to live up to expectations, or failed to do anything but waste two hours of many moviegoers' lives.  Whether you are an avid film buff whose list of films seen this year is close to (or over) the three-digit mark, or whether you are a workaholic who only has time to catch one or two flicks a year, and are currently reading this on your five-minute lunch break, I bid you welcome. Take a deep breath, pal, it's Fantasy Moguls, it's not rocket surgery. (Wink.)

Hello once again, and welcome back to the little corner of the Fantaverse that we call Bard's Eye View, where prognostications fall like so many snowflakes onto your virtual driveway, to be swept into the street at your leisure. Or, you could take said advice, roll it up into a really big ball, and lob it at your opponents with a war cry that would make William Wallace proud — it's your choice. Whether you are a precocious 8-year-old stuck inside your house because your family abandoned you on their vacation, or whether you're a thief who's had the misfortune to take hostage the most dysfunctional family in all of Connecticut, I bid you welcome. (I know you've all seen Home Alone, but if you haven't treated yourself to The Ref at least once, you're really missing out.) Grab some fresh hot cocoa, put on some old Boston Pops record, put your feet up. Are we sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin ... (wink.)

Season's greetings to all out there in Mogul-land (or as we sometimes like to call it, the Fantaverse), and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come to hammer down all of your New Years' Resolutions ... at least, as far as picking a worthy slate for your 2008 leagues goes. Whether you are a perennial also-ran who is tired of looking up at all or most of your Fantasy Moguls competition, or whether you are a seasoned pro who needs no help from me whatsoever and are merely here for an amusing diversion, I bid you welcome. Although, if you are one of the latter (and I suspect you know who you are), well, let me just preface my previous statement by saying that I am not at all jealous of your uncanny abilities to descry filmic trends, no sir, not at all, no way, nuh-uh. Just don't be surprised when my own personal Grinch absconds with your laptop in the near future ... (Wink.)

Good day one and all, and welcome to the latest chapter of the ever-increasing volume that is Bard's Eye View, where I, your neophyte Nostradamus, nibble at the nuggets of knowledge, nourish the nepenthe of neutrality, and gnaw on the Nestle bar of nonsense (with nuts). Whether you are a regular devotee of this particular column, or whether you are a first-time viewer standing agog at this nattering, narcissistic nincompoop with nary a normal thought nancying about in his noggin, I bid you welcome. And before I go into alliteration overload, let me just say that my newly-created network of noony noony neep neep blurb phhhhhttt (cough, gasp) ... oops, sorry, the Babel fish in my ear just expired. (Wink.)

'Allo, 'allo, me 'earties, and welcome once again to the phenomenon that is Bard's Eye View, the place to come for deep and soul-permeating profundity ... ah, who am I kidding? I'm just a guy in a rickety old office chair pulling predictions and one-liners out of my ass, for the benefit of those who are just like myself: rampant and incurable movie buffs who want to know what's coming, what's doing, where's it going, and why is Uwe Boll continued to allow plaguing mankind with his interminable stream of dreck? I mean, seriously, his continued existence seems to serve as a constant reminder that we, as a race, are heading down a path of evolution not unlike that seen in the film Idiocracy. If nothing else, I am here to keep you thinking on your feet, a buffer between the intellectual minority and the vast multitude of butt-headedness (or even Beavis-ness) (Wink.)

Greetings fellow Moguls, and welcome to the latest edition of Bard's Eye View, your weekly cinematic racing form, helping you discern the champion thoroughbreds from the nags that are best put out to pasture. Whether you are avid rail-pusher, or whether you merely want to follow up on a hot tip from a buddy, I bid you welcome. Just close your eyes and picture something like this ... "And Ridley's Gangster surges toward the lead, with Bee Boy buzzing right along behind! Santa's Big Brother is lagging back after a slow start, and Lambs For Slaughter is already ten lengths off the pace ... aaaaaannnnnnd Beetlebaum ..." (Wink.)

Greetings to all denizens of the Fantaverse, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, your guide to picking the choicest cuts of meat available while ignoring the films that simply have too much gristle. Whether you are dispersing your appetite over many different courses, or whether you are carving off a huge slab of white meat from the 20-pound gobbler you've displayed on the dining table, I bid you welcome. There are plenty of mashed potatoes to go around, and if you've room, Mom's homemade apple pie a la mode is slowly warming in the oven. Just be sure to get it all down before the tryptophan kicks zzzzzzzzzzz ... (Wink.)

Greeting fellow Moguls, and welcome to this SPECIAL EDITION of Bard's Eye View, where I, your beloved laureate, will be dispensing with my usual format and traveling down a heretofore untrodden road. At the behest of my editor (and heck, even Shakespeare himself had to answer to somebody, after all), I and the other Fantasy Moguls columnists (Mr. Informative, Indie Jones, and the glorious return of our wayward rodent, Nicodemus) will be bringing you something very special in order to give you all the heads-up regarding the entirety of the fast-approaching beginning to the November-to-January leagues.

Greetings to all Moguls, Mogulettes and Mogulings out there, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, where I, your humble mentor, school you (much like Debbie, your favorite Time/Life operator) on the merits of picking the best possible lineup for your Box Office Moguls and Ultimate Movie Moguls leagues. Unlike Debbie, however, I will not be requiring your Social Security number, your home address or verification of your identity. (I will, though, at some point, be needing your credit card number, along with expiration date and that three-digit thingamabob on the back that people are always asking for these days. Wink.)

Greetings to all out there in Mogul-Land, and welcome to the latest issue of Bard's Eye View, the place to come to choose, like so many wild animals, the halest and healthiest of upcoming films for your winter leagues. When choosing your own personal menagerie, you want to pick movies that have the ferocity of a lion, the cunning of a fox and the stamina of a camel, but be warned: there are many wolves in sheep's clothing out there that, come feeding time, actually possess the ferocity of a gopher, the cunning of a hippo and the stamina of a two-toed sloth. Please don't rap on the glass or bang on the cage bars, and you may want to avoid the Dolphins and the Rams, they've been in a foul mood of late. (Wink, snicker.)

Greetings fellow Mo-Ghouls, and welcome to the latest installment of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for insight into picking possible box-office monsters for your lineup. Whether you are a newly-resurrected member of the undead shambling along the avenues searching for scrumptious gray matter to feast upon, or whether you are the unfortunate recipient of a witch's curse with leanings towards lycanthropy, I bid you welcome. Try to keep the gurgling, howling, baying, rattling, creaking, groaning and blood-curdling screaming to a minimum, and a farthing to anyone who can tell me whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist. (Wink.)

Greeting fellow Moguls (and other curious passersby), and welcome to the latest edition of Bard's Eye View, the place to come for insight on the "bigger picture" when it comes to picking new films for your leagues. Whether you are scanning the upcoming lineup for exquisite masterpieces or abstract sculptures to lead the way, or whether you are looking for the filmic equivalent of a hastily-rendered Etch-A-Sketch diagram to gobble up the last available spot, I bid you welcome. Please stay behind the velvet rope, and try to keep your sticky mitts off the artwork. (Wink.)